


The Complex Subject of Human Emotions

by InkgooSupernova



Series: The Winter System [29]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Age Play, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Sexual Situations, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes has DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder, Coping, Difficult Decisions, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Embarrassment, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Hypersexuality, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Masturbation, Multi, Negotiations, Non-Sexual Age Play, Non-Sexual Intimacy, One Shot, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Talking, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:21:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24324211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkgooSupernova/pseuds/InkgooSupernova
Summary: Truthfully, everything didnotfeel alright.It started when he woke up that same morning.The Soldier had a dream that he very much enjoyed involving Daddy and Uncle Sam. The Soldier enjoyed funny dreams like that about as much as he enjoyed every other thing that made their body feel tingly and funny. That's just how he was, and their therapists told them that they had to respect that as long as they all made sure he was healthy and safe and not hurting himself or anyone else.But that didn't meanJamesyenjoyed those dreams. Quite the opposite.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson
Series: The Winter System [29]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1693231
Comments: 12
Kudos: 107





	The Complex Subject of Human Emotions

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based heavily on personal experiences.
> 
> This story features subjects and elements pertaining to physical and sexual abuse, hypersexuality, trauma reactions, and feelings of uncertainty due to perceptions of emotions.
> 
> Reader Discretion is Advised.

"Uncle Sam..." Jamesy piped up, hiding from behind the door frame.

"Hm? What's up, little man?" Uncle Sam looked over to the little boy. "Everything alright?"

"Uhm, kinda, no?" Jamesy wasn't too sure if everything _was_ alright or not.

Truthfully, everything did _not_ feel alright.

It started when he woke up that same morning.

The Soldier had a dream that he very much enjoyed involving Daddy and Uncle Sam. The Soldier enjoyed funny dreams like that about as much as he enjoyed every other thing that made their body feel tingly and funny. That's just how he was, and their therapists told them that they had to respect that as long as they all made sure he was healthy and safe and not hurting himself or anyone else.

But that didn't mean _Jamesy_ enjoyed those dreams. Quite the opposite.

While the Soldier had been the one dreaming of such things, Jamesy was the one left to wake up afterwards, feeling far too warm and tingly and funny in the ways that made him think about his old Daddy. He felt like he had a fever, complete with chills that made him nearly shiver out of his skin.

Ever since then, their body had felt worse and worse, with Jamesy choosing to curl up on himself and ignore the feelings all together in hopes that avoiding them would make them go away.

That didn't work for him. That didn't work for the Soldier. So of _course_ it wouldn't work for the feelings.

Worse off, Jamesy could barely stand to _look_ at his Daddy. He _knew_ his new Daddy wasn't like his old Daddy, that he would _never_ hurt him or make him play the scary grown up games, but he just couldn't help the way his tummy twisted in knots or the way the stiff, heavy feeling between his legs twitched in a way that almost made him want to puke. He chose instead to avoid his Daddy at all costs, even if that meant he was being bad.

However, that idea quickly changed when he saw Daddy in the kitchen, washing the dishes in the sink with the saddest look on his face.

_He hurt his Daddy's feelings by avoiding him._

He had to do _something._

So here he was, feeling far too warm and sensitive and _funny_ , lingering in the doorway. He had high hopes that Uncle Sam could tell him what to do to feel better.

"Aw, do you wanna share what you're feeling?" Uncle Sam asked, patting the spot on the empty couch cushion next to him.

"Uhm..." Jamesy peeked around the door frame, trying to see if his Daddy was in the same room. He _really_ didn't want to hurt his feelings even more. " _Can we talk 'n private?_ " He whispered, hoping the other heard him.

"Hm? Sure, here." Uncle Sam stood up from the couch, walking towards him until the two of them were alone in the bedroom. Jamesy had to shake the sudden memories from his head.

Those _really_ weren't helping his current situation.

"What's up, Jamesy?" Uncle Sam asked, sitting at the coloring table in order to give the little boy some space. That made him feel a _little_ better, knowing that if Uncle Sam tried to hurt him, that he would have time and space to run.

But Uncle Sam wouldn't do that. He _never_ wanted to hurt him.

Jamesy took in a deep breath.

Then another.

Then once more.

"I..." He couldn't help fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, trying so hard to organize his scattered thoughts. "I feel funny..."

"You feel funny?" Uncle Sam repeated, earning a nod from the little boy. "Like, like 'haha' funny? Or like scared funny?"

"No, _funny_ funny." Jamesy tried to reiterate. He was never the best at explaining his emotions, especially when he was feeling things that he _knew_ he shouldn't be.

"Funny... _Oh._ " It finally clicked. "Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? How your body is feeling?"

Jamesy nodded, keeping his eyes on his hands that were twisted in the hem of his shirt.

"That's okay, that's a very important thing to be able to talk about, especially if you're hurt or scared." Uncle Sam began, taking a piece of paper from the table and a crayon. "Do you want to tell me how you feel?" He asked as he started doodling random shapes and objects onto the paper. Jamesy liked when he did that, it made him feel like they were just talking friend to friend instead of an interrogation.

He thought for a moment.

"I don' feel _scared_ , I haven' r'eely thought of ol' daddy much, an' I don' r'eely wanna think 'bou' th' grown up games, jus'..." He thought for a moment longer. "Jus' body 's bein' dumb an' I wan' it t' go away."

"Is that why you haven't talked to Daddy today? Because of how you feel?" Uncle Sam asked, not moving his eyes from the paper in front of him.

Jamesy felt _awful._

"I made him feel bad..." He mumbled, feeling his insides crumple at the thought.

That, somehow, still didn't make the warm, funny feeling in his guts go away.

"No, you didn't make him feel bad," Uncle Sam quickly corrected, now choosing to look up from the paper. "Daddy was just scared that you're hurting, he doesn't want you to feel bad about _anything._ "

Jamesy sighed, still trying to focus on making the feeling go away. His skin was too warm and tingly and he _really_ wanted his private parts to stop feeling so _weird._

"Do you think you could explain how you feel? Both your body _and_ how you feel about it?" Uncle Sam prodded, turning his eyes back to the paper to give him the space he needed to not feel pressured.

"Uhm..." He mumbled, taking a moment to think his answer through. "Everythin' kin'a feels like how Soldier feels when he does stuff he likes, all tingly an' warm an' stiff an', y'know, _funny._ Weird."

"I understand." Uncle Sam nodded in thought, rolling the words around in his head.

"Bu'h I don' feel _scared_ ," He continued. "I don' r'eely know _how_ I feel, jus', y'know, funny. An' kin'a bad."

"Why do you feel bad?" Uncle Sam asked, still keeping his eyes on the paper. "Bad like you think someone will hurt you?"

"Uhm, no, jus'," He tried to gather his thoughts, words were never his specialty. "Like m' bein' bad f' body feelin' like this, like m' _suppos'd_ t' b' scared. I don' wanna play th' grown up games, bu'h..." He trailed off, trying to figure out the best way to say how he felt.

He had nothing.

"But you feel like if you say you don't _mind_ the way your body feels, that you'll get in trouble?" Uncle Sam added.

"Ye', that. That one." Jamesy looked over to the other, an almost hopeful glint in his eyes. "Like if I say tha' 'm not scared or don' feel _terrible_ for how I feel, tha' people will think I _want_ t' play th grown up games again. I _don't._ I jus', I d'nno."

"It's okay to not know," Uncle Sam set the crayon down, giving Jamesy the confirmation he needed to know the other was actually listening to him. "These are very complex emotions, they can be hard to fully understand."

" _Am_ I bad?" Jamesy asked, looking over to the man for reassurance.

"Of _course_ you aren't bad. No one is bad for feeling things." Uncle Sam reassured him, resting his hand on the table. Jamesy quickly took it into his own flesh hand, slightly soothed by the other's warm skin. "What's important isn't how you're feeling, what's important is making sure you're healthy and not hurting. Do you feel hurt?"

"Uh uh, bu'h, I feel like m' _suppos'd_ t' b' hurt? Bu'h m' not? I jus' feel," He gestured to nothing, having no other words to use. "Funny."

"Well, humans have very strange feelings," Uncle Sam began, using his thumb to stroke the back of his hand. "Sometimes, when people go through scary things, their body doesn't know the best way to respond. Sometimes bodies respond by feeling funny, even if it feels like they aren't _supposed_ to."

"Ye', th' the-thea'pists said tha's why Soldier feels funny a lot an' why he _likes_ grown up stuff." Jamesy nodded, using his metal hand to gently scratch at the rug he was sitting on.

"Exactly." Uncle Sam agreed before continuing on. "And since you all share the same body, sometimes that body just feels the way it does because it doesn't know what else to do. If that makes you feel scared, then it's important to tell someone you trust so they can help you. Like we're doing now."

"Bu'h I _don'_ feel scared." Jamesy asserted. He really _didn't!_ He just felt like he was being bad for _not_ being scared.

"I know, and that's okay," Uncle Sam reassured, squeezing his hand just a little to keep him grounded. "It's only bad if you feel scared. If you don't feel scared, then the important part is finding a way to work through those feelings without hurting yourself. I know it's very confusing and hard to think about, and that's why Daddy and I are here, to help keep you safe, healthy, and happy."

Jamesy thought about the other's words, then about how he felt, then about how he could _help_ those feelings instead of just trying to ignore them, which _clearly_ wasn't working.

"I don' wanna play th' scary games." Jamesy quickly asserted. "I don' wanna go back t' old Daddy eith'r, an' I don' wanna do th' stuff Soldier does wit' y'u an' Daddy."

"That's good, it's good to say what you _don't_ want, that way people know your boundaries." Uncle Sam nodded, still rubbing the back of his hand with his thumb in a soothing semi-circle.

"Uhm, bu'h I think..." He had to take a moment to work up his courage. He already felt awful just _thinking_ about what he was about to admit. He felt the way Bucky felt when he admitted to Daddy and Uncle Sam that Hydra made him _eat people._ "I think, uhm, maybe, uhm..." He trailed off, immediately losing the courage he had built up.

He felt like Uncle Sam would _hate_ him for what he was about to admit. Call him a disgusting little boy for even _thinking_ about it.

"It's okay, Jamesy, take your time. I'm not going to judge you, and anything you say will not leave this room unless _you_ choose to tell someone else. I won't tell another living soul unless you directly tell me to." Uncle Sam hummed, which made Jamesy feel better.

"I think..." He mumbled, trying to swallow down the lead ball that appeared in his throat. "I think, maybe, I wan' t' ha'f som' private time t'...uhm..." He clammed up. He couldn't say it.

He _knew_ Uncle Sam would hate him forever if he said it.

"It's okay. I want you to say what you're thinking. I can't help you figure out the best way to help if I don't fully know how you're feeling, and I don't want to accidentally put words in your mouth." Uncle Sam explained, still holding his hand as he picked up the crayon once again, giving him the emotional space he needed.

"Uhm..." He gulped, trying desperately to quell the sudden panic that made its way into his chest. He _needed_ to trust Uncle Sam with this. If he couldn't trust him with his deepest secret, who _could_ he trust?

So he tried again.

"I think I kin'a wan'a ha'f som' time t' maybe go 'n th' bathroom an' uhm-" He couldn't say it. He _couldn't._ He could feel his face turning every shade of red with fear and embarrassment.

"Jamesy, it's okay, just breathe, it's gonna be okay. I'm not gonna be mad at you, I just want to help. Just breathe." Uncle Sam helped him focus on his breathing, helping him count to ten as he breathed in deep, then ten once again as he breathed out.

After repeating the breathing exercise a few more times, he took a deep breath, bulked up his courage, and tried again.

"I think, I want, to ha'f some time, by m'self, to take care of how I feel, with m' hands, alone, an' b' told tha' m' still loved an' not bad for doin' it." He finally managed to work what he was trying to say, already cowering inside himself, cringing at the way the words came out of his mouth.

"It's okay, I'm pretty sure I understand what you mean," Uncle Sam said, still not setting down the crayon in order to give him some time to recover from the admission. "You were very brave for telling me, it's gonna be okay, just breathe."

Uncle Sam helped him count to ten once more, breathing in deep before blowing out the anxiety that filled his chest. In through his nose, out through his mouth, until he no longer felt like he was about to burst into flames.

"There we go, do you feel any better?" Uncle Sam asked as his breathing finally returned to normal.

"Ye, a little." Jamesy mumbled. He _did_ feel better, since he had gotten what he was feeling off his chest. However, his body still hadn't stopped feeling funny, which brought him back to the current problem they were talking about.

"Okay, now, you're allowed to have some private time to yourself in order to help get rid of the funny feeling, but there needs to be rules so you don't accidentally hurt yourself, okay?" Uncle Sam offered, giving him the structure he desperately needed.

"'Kay." He mumbled, still rather embarrassed to be talking about this, still just _slightly_ worried that Uncle Sam or Daddy would hate him for this.

"I think the most important rule would be that, the _second_ it starts to make you feel scared or sick, or you remember things that make you feel hurt or uncomfortable, you stop immediately. Like the bell I gave Soldier." Uncle Sam explained.

Jamesy thought about that. He remembered the time he accidentally switched out when Soldier and Uncle Sam were playing grown up games. He also remembered one of the times he started to switch out on accident, and Soldier threw the bell and helped him to feel safe.

"Maybe, maybe I can ha'f a bell too? Jus' for me? So I can drop it an' an' if m' haf'in' a bad flash back or som'thin' then y'u can hear it an' help me?" Jamesy asked, thinking about the ways he could help to keep himself safe out loud.

"I think that's a good idea." Uncle Sam nodded. "If you'd like, too, we could make something that tells people that you're in there, so you don't get scared from someone knocking and also don't have to tell anyone. If you think that would help too?"

Jamesy thought about that. He nodded. "Bu'h only if 's subtle, don' wan' it t' say, y'know..." He mumbled, his face already burning bright red once again.

"Of course, it can be something like a piece of fabric on the doorknob, or whatever you think is best." Uncle Sam explained.

"I can use Cap'n Ameribear's shield, so he can protec' m'." Jamesy mumbled, looking towards the build-a-bear plush that was dressed in a tiny Captain America uniform, complete with a fabric shield wrapped around his paw with a string.

"That's a good idea too." Uncle Sam nodded, his face suddenly turning very serious. "One other rule that I think is important, is not to do anything you know Soldier does, even if you know he likes it. He's a _lot_ bigger than you, so a lot of the things he can handle could really hurt you, even if you don't _think_ they would. Do you understand?"

"Uh huh, I un'erstan'," Jamesy nodded. "I don' wanna do anythin' wit' grown up stuff or th' videos Soldier likes or anythin' inside m' or anythin' like ol' Daddy used to, jus' wanna, y'know, uhm, uhhm..." His face felt like it was on fire, like it would explode at any given second from the amount of blood in his cheeks. "Uhm, jus', y'know, uhm, _kin'ajus'rubitalittlenothin'more._ " He mumbled out, keeping his head tucked down.

"That's perfectly okay, you're very brave for telling me. It's important to find ways to keep you happy and safe, and working out complicated feelings like this is one of the ways." Uncle Sam squeezed his hand again, helping him feel just a little more secure. "This should be an ongoing conversation, okay? If at any point you want to talk to me about something, just ask and I'll listen in private, no questions asked. I am _never_ too busy to help you."

Jamesy felt a _lot_ better, even if their body's funny, tingly feeling hadn't gone away just yet.

"Uhm, one more thing, pl'ees." He mumbled, not letting go of Uncle Sam's hand.

"Of course, anything." Uncle Sam listened intently.

"Can, uhm, can y'u tell Daddy for me? I _r'eely_ can't tell him m'self bu'h I wan' him t' know. An' if y'u tell him I won' feel as bad havin' t' e'splain it all again." Jamesy nearly pleaded, trying to not break Uncle Sam's hand with how hard he was squeezing.

"Of course, if that's what you want." Uncle Sam nodded. "I still feel you should be there, so you can answer questions and know that we both still love you. Do you understand?"

Jamesy nodded in response. He trusted Uncle Sam, and he trusted Daddy, so he knew he would be okay.

"Uhm, one more thing." Jamesy piped up as he and Uncle Sam stood from the floor. "Can I ha'f a hug?"

"Of course you can." Uncle Sam smiled, opening his arms for the little boy. He gratefully slotted himself against his chest, feeling so much better at just the relief of not being hated for how he felt. With that, the two walked out of the room together.

"Hey, Steve? There's something Jamesy and I wanna talk about with you."

———

Sam made his way through the apartment, looking for where Jamesy had run off to. The last time he saw the little scamp, he was in their room, coloring in a few coloring books that Natasha had given him the other day. When he went back to check on him after gathering up the laundry, he was nowhere to be seen.

He had his suspicions, however, and didn't want to call out for him in case he was correct.

His suspicions were confirmed as he passed by the second bathroom of the apartment, his eye quickly catching the red white and blue fabric shield hanging on the doorknob. He sighed silently, allowing the other his privacy.

"Where's Jamesy?" Steve asked as Sam plopped down on the couch next to him, letting himself cuddle into the blond man's side.

"Busy." Sam explained, grabbing the remote for the TV and flicking through the various streaming services.

" _Oh._ " Steve cleared his throat, leaving it at that. 'Busy' was an easy code word to work with, it never raised too many questions from anyone. "Is he alright? Hear anything?"

"He's fine, don't worry." Sam hummed, patting the other man's shoulder.

After a few minutes of searching through the same four or five streaming apps, the sound of the sink running could be heard, followed by a door slowly opening, followed by slow, quiet footsteps as Jamesy made his way to the couch.

"Hey there, lamb." Steve hummed, letting Jamesy slot himself between the two.

"Hi," Jamesy mumbled, placing the silver bell that was clutched in his metal hand, along with the fabric shield, in the palm of Sam's open hand. Sam easily took the items and stuffed them quietly into his pocket, making a mental note to put them back in their box in Jamesy's dresser drawer for the next time he needed them. "Can I watch Bluey?"

"Of course, I was just looking for something good to watch." Sam smiled, flicking the device to Disney Plus and easily finding the cartoon dog show that the little boy loved so much. He played a random episode, letting Jamesy snuggle comfortably between his two guardians.

"Daddy? Uncle Sam?" Jamesy piped up, eyes glued to the TV as the orchestral theme song rang out from the speakers.

"Yeah, bug?" Daddy answered, looking down at the boy squeezed between them.

"I love y'u. I love y'u both." Jamesy hummed, taking his time nuzzling both of his cheeks against their arms.

"We love you too, Jamesy." The two men hummed, letting him focus on his show.

Jamesy watched intently as Bingo explained to her Daddy how she felt when he played too rough with her, and how she just had to learn how to use her 'big girl bark' to explain how she felt.

Emotions are complex, difficult, fickle things. But they are important none the less.

**Author's Note:**

>  **References:**  
>    
> The Captain America Build-A-Bear uniform can be found [here](https://www.buildabear.com/captain-america-costume/027067.html), complete with the fabric shield.
> 
> The episode of Bluey mentioned is episode 16 of season 1: Yoga Ball. A clip of that episode can be found [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKTkYi2J6BY).
> 
> The mentioned events involving the bell are a reference to [The Incident](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24064363) and [To Protect At All Costs](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24324892) respectively.
> 
> **Brief Explanations:**
> 
> This one is a tough one to explain, as it is not common for people who survive trauma to want to admit certain feelings they may have, especially when it comes to hypersexuality in traumagenic DID systems. Hypersexuality is feeling aroused for seemingly no reason or experiencing often, sometimes unwanted, sexual thoughts or urges as a result of trauma. Some people see this as shameful or dirty, when in reality it is just another way the brain forms to cope with trauma, and is a lot more common than most people realize, even for victims of trauma who do not experience defined dissociation. Some systems may feel they are alone in these thoughts or urges, or feel like if they tell someone, that they will be seen as bad or treated as if they _want_ the trauma that caused the feelings, but this is really not the case.
> 
> It can be very difficult to admit these types of feelings due to shame, embarrassment, or general fear of ridicule or rejection, but it is important for victims of trauma, both systems and singlets, to form healthy coping mechanisms and boundaries instead of attempting to ignore these feelings in the chance that they will magically go away on their own. Coping mechanisms vary from one person to the next, and as long as they are healthy and not hurting themselves in the process (whether intentional or not), then however they choose to cope is fine and valid. These coping mechanisms can also evolve and change over time as the person grows more or less comfortable, and as long as they are safe and healthy forms of coping, then it is not for anyone else to judge.
> 
> These types of feelings can be very difficult and complex subjects when it comes to Child Alters/System Littles, as often these feelings can bring up feeling of distress, embarrassment, fear, or even bring up traumatic memories. If that is the case, then the best course of action to cope is to find methods to distract from the feeling in order to avoid further harm. However, in specific cases such as this, other coping mechanisms can be formed in order to provide comfort and a safe, healthy way to work through such feelings or urges, as to not allow the feelings to cling on for longer than needed and to help the person experiencing these feelings in the moment move on and get on with their day. No two systems or their experiences are the same, so no two coping mechanisms will be the exact same or work for everyone, so it is important to figure out what is the most comfortable on your own, along with support from others who care about your well being. For victims of trauma, especially child alters in a system, it is important to provide comfort afterwards and remind them that they are okay, safe, and loved, no matter how they feel and whether or not the way they coped at the time was healthy.
> 
> The important part is to not judge victims of trauma or abuse for things they cannot control, such as feelings or urges as a result of trauma. Just because you see it as something bad or shameful does not mean that you need to make that opinion known. All that does is cause the person experiencing such feelings to feel worse about their situation, which could result in even worse feelings or even the formation of unhealthy coping mechanisms.
> 
> These are all based on **personal experiences** and are not meant to explain or educate all DID systems, symptoms, or how they work. These are simply examples from our own experiences as a traumagenic DID system. No two people or their experiences are exactly alike, so these will not apply to every single case of DID.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated, and thank you for reading!


End file.
